I AM The Shedding of My Shame

Walking Into A Dream, HHM, 25 August 2024

This month's painting reminded me of dreams where I was either naked or only partially clothed, and the sense of shame that comes with the realization of my state of undress while inside the dream. Sometimes the sense of dread or shame would linger even after I wake up and realize it was just a dream, and even hours later I have to check and confirm that I am fully clothed.

Even presenting this painting to my few friends makes me feel vulnerable, knowing how my painting look painfully amateurish as always. So there it is, that voice inside that tells me to be ashamed, that tells me I am not good enough, that tells me to be careful otherwise people will find me and my painting quite ridiculous. But today I am challenging that natural instinct to hide, because I feel that I need to silence my inner critic, or what I call my inner mother.

I heard from Matias de Stefano, that our relationship with our mothers determine our relationship with others, while our relationship with our fathers determine our relationship with God. In analyzing what he said about mothers, I realized how many of us still carry our mothers in our heads wherever we go. Especially if you had a sharped tongued mother who criticized you constantly during your childhood, it is possible that you carry some form of a trauma stemming from the harsh words your mother directed at you as a child.

I have a friend who keeps going back to a single experience from her childhood that sticks with her even decades later: When she was a child, she travelled to the city with her mother, she got so excited when she saw the city so she started talking in her native language and accent, but her mom pinched her hard and scolded her harshly, telling her to keep quiet so that no one will know she is from the village. She says she carries that event with her even decades later, and sometimes she finds herself paralyzed, still hearing that voice telling her that she is only a village girl and that she is not good enough to speak up, much less try to do anything other than hide who she really was.

I had recent encounters where I realized what I thought were innocuous statements can actually trigger and hurt others, and I realized how much I needed to be kind and be careful with my words because many of us still carry our inner mothers/critics inside our heads, and anything we hear can trigger it to wake up, and repeat the hurtful words about ourselves that we heard as a child.

But at some point, we have to face this inner critic/mother, not with anger but with forgiveness. All that has occurred needs to be looked at from forgiving eyes, in analyzing the history of the parent that hurt you, in realizing that it is because they were very hurt too from their childhood, and the sense of shame imparted to them by your ancestors was so great, it had to be extended down to you. You, you are the redeemer of your family's history and you need to forgive and say "It is over. The shame stops here."

So today, let us say enough of that. Today, we forgive our family's history of shame. We shed our inner critic, and say goodbye to the inner shaming mechanism. We bow in honor of the past but we acknowledge that we need to put a period to the old statements of shame, for today we are starting new statements: The past is forgiven. Today, all is made new.

A course in Miracles. Lesson 289: The past is over. It can touch me not.

 1. Unless the past is over in my mind, the real world must escape my sight. ²For I am really looking nowhere; seeing but what is not there. ³How can I then perceive the world forgiveness offers? ⁴This the past was made to hide, for this the world that can be looked on only now. ⁵It has no past. ⁶For what can be forgiven but the past, and if it is forgiven it is gone.

2. Father, let me not look upon a past that is not there. ²For You have offered me Your Own replacement, in a present world the past has left untouched and free of sin. ³Here is the end of guilt. ⁴And here am I made ready for Your final step. ⁵Shall I demand that You wait longer for Your Son to find the loveliness You planned to be the end of all his dreams and all his pain?

 (ACIM, W-289.1:1–2:5)

Sending love to all. Amen.